BEARING THE HATRED OF MY PARENT

The Uneasiness of being dark skin toned

I was once a young girl who never worried about the colour of her skin, i never cared about the world's system of beauty all i wanted to do was to focus on being a child. My mother on the other hand did care about the system of this world when it comes to beauty. She used to come outside and call me while playing with my friends to check if i hadn't messed up my clothes or had sand on my long Afro plaited hair. My siblings and i knew that if i had sand on my hair or dirt on my clothes a rod would be put on me followed by a bath and a lecture about BEING A LADY OF HIGHER STANDARDS.
I was slowly growing up and i noticed that my mother and siblings were very light skin toned and that started to bother me day in and day out. My mother preached the importance of being light skin toned to her children. She would often say "stay out of the sun" , "Drink lots of water", "use these clinically approved skin lightening products to bring life to our tone. My mother's hatred towards dark skin pigmentation showed in all of her children but I was the most controlled because I was the least light and vulnerable.

Stripped Off By Apartheid

 My mother was born in the heart of BLACK DEVALUATION AND SLAVERY. She witness the cruelty of black people collectively. But what she really noticed was that light skin toned slaves were treated favourably whereas dark skin toned slaves were treated like monkeys. She was in a favorable position because of her light skin (since she is after all half black and half white), that on its own made my mother to be more determined to look lighter than she already was. My mother worked in a factory in Umtata In the Transkei and she had no trouble with the Dutch because she was light skinned, she had better pay because she was light skinned, she got accepted to a medical school without any doubt because she was light skinned, she was treated better by her school mates and lectures because she was light skinned and that led my mother to never say who she was and the history of her people. She distanced herself from her family members who were not light skin toned like she was. Over the years my mother's perceptions changed, little did she know that her psychological prison of being light skin would result in the death of self love and appreciation. Yes it is true that in South Africa coloured people were treated better than black people and that if you were born light skinned in your family, you had better chances of success an better treatment by the European class. My mother and many others too were the victims of self hatred because SKIN COLOUR MATTERS.

In War With The Demon Of Colour

I didn't experience European cruelty personally because i was protected from it but as to the effects of it thereof, I certainly did. I grew afraid everyday and my fear was being told by my mother that I am dark and ugly. I sought for ways to prevent my skin from produce melanin, one way or the other I refused to be dark. My friends in school would never believe that i am a mixed race because i wouldn't look like one, Boys would not see my beauty due to being covered in this dark pigment, I would not go to Europe to study Astronautics because the people in that country would not see me as a human being, I did not want to be associated with people who are darker skinned let alone hug them.
 I dated dark skinned guys because it made me look and feel superior. I would make an excuse for not going outside when sunny and I would lie about my skin conditions just to get hold of skin lightening ointments and pills. The prescribed ointment and pills worked but for a moment and I didn't care about the side affects as long as I get what I want. There more lighter I got the more my mother favoured me, I became her favourite and what was even better is that people believed me when I said I am a coloured. Truth be told I didn't understand why I thought lighter was better, I didn't understand why I hated myself for being dark, WHY, WHY, WHY. Then it dawned on me that i am fighting a battle my mother lost during apartheid, am fighting against the demon of self hatred, in this so called free country I am still a slave to the master of colour.

It Will Never Be Better

Today I am a grown woman in a sense that I know better and I have accepted the colour of my skin, but just like my mother I am in constant fear of being less lighter. Everywhere I turn and everything I see and hear still favours light skinned women, how so you ask, well I will tell you-a song sung by our black communities that says "ngwana o thswana le le khalati"(meaning our child looks like a coloured) so if you not light skinned like a coloured then you are not a beautiful bride, every eye shadow and lipstick suits you if you lighter but if you darker then you have to be selective of the kind of colour you have for makeup, if you are light skinned you can dye your hair blonde, red, purple or pink but if you darker skinned then all of these coloures are not suitable for you. Nikki Minaj, Li'l Kim, Beyonce, Mshoza, Kelly Khumalo and many others knows exactly how it feels to be a prisoner of beauty all in the name of being light skinned and adored by the world.
I am a work in progress and only God can help me love myself again, the burden of conforming to a "YELLOW BONE"society is suicidal to self love and acceptance. I don't blame my mother nor do i hate her for what she passed on to me and my siblings

THIS IS MY GENERATIONAL CURSE, OBSESSIVENESS WITH LIGHT SKIN